70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
