when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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