pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
