my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
