I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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