he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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