i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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