he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
