apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
