i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
