he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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