Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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