i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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