i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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