Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is Oprah even human
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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