does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
