For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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