my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The adults are the big ones right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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