Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
