I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
