If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
