someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
