I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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