I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
