So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
