i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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