You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
