Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
