Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Holy shit dude........stairs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
