Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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