she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
