I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
