I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
