I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
