Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
