I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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