Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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