just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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