when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
