Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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