I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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