My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
