I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
