man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dick very happy bro
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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