Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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