U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
