My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
