Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
should my penis look like a turkey
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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