That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
