Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I understand Curling. That high.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
